Leveraging character in a difficult situation.
We promised a blog on how to deal with people who undermine you. An example – a peer told you they heard one of your team members tell others that you are incompetent and you made poor decisions for the team.
The question is how do you respond in this situation from a good character perspective?
Let’s start with what does good character actually means.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes character as “the complex mental and ethical traits marking and often individualizing a person, group, or nation.”
Everyone possesses their own character. “Who you are” is displayed through your words and actions.
But what drives your words and actions? How do you manage your character?
That is indeed the question. The graphic at the start of this blog identifies the internal and external elements that form our character and provides a self-management tool.
Who you are starts with your intentions.
Identifying your beliefs (what you believe to be true), values (what is important to you, and what you will and won’t do), your objectives (what you are focused on achieving) and priorities (what takes first, second etc. importance) is a critical place to start.
In the example of someone undermining you, the first step is to take a breath and decide to respond thoughtfully, rather than reacting in a way that potentially causes harm and you regret.
The model offers “Intention” questions to ask yourself,
• What would be the very best way for you to handle this situation?
• What outcome would you like to see?
• What is the fairest way to handle this situation (to yourself and others)?
After creating clear intentions your thoughts and feelings must be acknowledged and managed before, during and after the conversation(s).
Our thoughts are assumptions, the information upon which we are basing our perspectives, and ideas that come forth.
“Thoughts” questions,
• What do you actually know about this situation?
• Where did the information come from?
• What else can you do to get clarity?
Our feelings are the emotions that emerge, for example, whether it is uncomfortable to have a certain conversation etc.
“Feelings” question,
• What emotion did you experience upon hearing/reading about the situation?
• What emotion do you have to pay attention to ask you deal with the situation?
• What is the potential emotional state of the person who provided the information?
All of this inner work manifests in our behaviour, our words and actions. Certainly, there is an element of skill in how we communicate (the outer ring in the Character Model), but the place to start is with the inner elements.
“Behaviour” questions,
• Given the “inner work” that you have done in order to deal with this situation, what will you actually do?
• What skill(s) do you want to apply?
• How will you follow up with the person who provided the information?
It may seem like a great deal of work to really honour your character, vs. just reacting, but this is a tool for dealing with difficult situations in a thoughtful, character-focused way, that you can be proud of.
In client coaching sessions we would apply a few more tools for this situation. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you would like to have a more detailed consultation. Reach out to me for a complimentary 20-minute session at Kr@centreforcharacterleadership.com
Next month’s blog will focus on how to deal with situations where a third party is attempting to get in the middle of your relationship with someone else.
Have a terrific month.
Kathleen Redmond MA, MCC
kr@centreforcharacterleadership.com
905.478.7962
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